March 16, 2008
Lunacy
I feel so alone. There is such a limit on the people I hang out with, that if one person can’t then I have no other options. Like, when he’s hanging out with some of his man friends, I feel abandoned. Betrayed. Even though I know that I have no right to be. I shouldn’t feel that way because it’s lunatic. And acknowledging the complete fallacy of my logic only makes it all the worse. I shouldn’t have to depend on him to be my everything!
I get angry at him over things that I shouldn’t be angry about; luckily he doesn’t figure that out. It’s always small things, you see- like his word choice, or the fact that he cares more about his curfew than I do. I shouldn’t be angry at him about these things (and he’s never found out that I was at the time), and as soon as I realize I am, I immediately realize that I shouldn’t be. And then I just hate myself a little bit more.
I miss having numerous friends I could hang out with. So much.
It’s been over a year now, since I found out I was moving here. It doesn’t seem that long ago, does it? In some ways. In others, living in New Jersey felt like a lifetime ago.
I wonder if I’ve changed.
February 19, 2008
Solo
[Is it possible to feel lonely and loved at the same time?]
He is one of the most important things in my life right now- friend and lover. Therefore I cannot talk to him about everything. Like when I’m sad or angry. He wouldn’t know what to do about that… and neither would I. Under those circumstances I am left on my own unless one of my Jersey friends happens to be available to talk… but usually I don’t want to bother them. I can talk to my friends in New Jersey about stuff, but it’s not the same as being with them. I crave the physical aspect of all relationships, and deep friendship without hugs just don’t seem as deep anymore. I know that I’m drifting from them and I don’t know what to do about it.
At this point I usually start talking about what I wish for… but right now, I don’t really know.
[I’m afraid that he means more to me than I do to him.]
February 12, 2008
Je t’aime
How do we know what it is we feel? Why can’t we just feel it and leave be? I don’t know who decided that we have to have words for emotions… body language is really all you need. Words just make things complicated.
Disclaimer: It is possible to be a beautiful complicated.
[Why do I have to explain anything I do?]
I have an urge to have everyone in the world wish with me. Sometimes he wishes with me at 11:11. On those nights I feel like everything will be okay because I am not the only one who wants something more. I want to ask him what he wishes for… but everyone knows that to tell means that the wish will not come true.
I have become so gushy lately… I need a personal slapper to just hit me every time I say or think something overly mushy. Which is a lot more often than I’m comfortable with. I don’t know what’s come over me.
January 14, 2008
Verum
His knee presses against mine and it seems as though half the nerves in my body have swarmed to buzz around that spot. He leans his head towards me to hear what I say. I know that my breath tickles his ear at the same time my body is overcome with all the little pinpoints that scream “Boy-Boy-Boy.” I am reminded that he is different from me in so many ways, and I want to know all of them. I also want to know how we are the same. My heart caves in on itself and my stomach lurches. I think I might be sick.
Did you see that? I said what I want. Definitive statement.
Well, there’s a first time for everything.
December 9, 2007
Whales
At night my psyche is a whale. She sees what is in front of her and swallows it all up. The huge muscle in her mouth quivers as all the information from the day pass through and into her even larger stomach. Occasionally she picks up information that can be easily discharged through the hole in her head, though most of the thoughts are too complex. When it all becomes too much she groans; a long, sad, billowy sound that swoops in and out of those around her. It is impossible to ignore completely, yet surprisingly easy to disregard. After all, she is only an animal.
I wish I knew what was in store for me. What good will befall me, what adversity. I wish I knew who is worth spending time with and who will not make any kind of difference when dirt comes to dirt. Everything would be so much easier. I wouldn’t have to wonder. Fuck Alice… I do not want to have to think about what is on the other side of the looking glass.
Also, boys are confusing and make me spend too much time thinking about them. Damn them.
November 21, 2007
Honey
Have you ever seen a bee flying by the car window as you’re driving past? You only see it for a moment because the bee is too slow and cannot keep the 40 mph. But what you often don’t think about is how the bee was there first. It was buzzing and struggling to get to that point when you were just thinking about getting to the car. And then in less than 10 seconds you have passed the bee, freaked out for a second because you thought the bee was in the car, and driven on. In 30 more seconds you’ll forget the whole thing ever happened.
Did you know that honey has like, a hundred different uses? For sweetening yes, but also for soap and conditioners, and used in candles and lip balm. And more.
There was this farm in Virginia that every Christmas season had this special reenactment thing. Kids could pick cotton, feed the pigs, and make candles out of honey wax. We used to take three strands of yarn, dip them one by one into a smoldering pot of wax mixed with honey, and then braid the the strands while they were still soft. The smell of honey would stay on my hands for hours, and I would spend days afterward trying to recall the sticky sweet scent.
There was this other farm in Virginia. Well, I guess it was more of an estate. Anyway, on Mother’s Day they would allow you to go on free tours, and they always had those honey sticks in the gift shop. The honey sticks would come in all kinds of flavors: peppermint, strawberry, cinnamon. We (my sisters and I) would each get two; samples of the rest a given. We would suck the honey out of the small plastic tube while walking on a small stone fence- arms outstretched as if the air itself could keep us from falling.
September 26, 2007
A Fine Frenzy
I feel left behind. I don’t remember if I’ve ever written that before. It’s all quite strange.
On Saturday, I was invited to go to The Cabin by Allie (the one here in Georgia). The Cabin is owned by her boyfriend, Jonathan, who I met on Friday at Sara Snyder’s house. Well, it’s owned by his family. It’s a cabin in the middle of nowhere that these people go to to do whatever it is they feel like doing. I told my parents I was invited to sleepover at this girl Lauren’s house (I met her on Friday too, she’s really cool). My parents freaked because A.) they did not know Lauren or her parents and B.) Olivia doesn’t have any friends yet and it is not right that I should go out for two nights in a row when she isn’t going out at all. After lots of debate and becoming incredibly angry at my mother, I just told Allie I couldn’t go. About an hour later Lauren called me to tell me that she wasn’t going to The Cabin and asked if I wanted to hang out with her and this girl Kate (also at Sarah’s house, also cool). I had to tell them no because my parents wouldn’t let me out of the house because of Olivia’s lack of friends. While I understand my parents’ reasoning, it all seems incredibly unfair to me. Why should I be punished because Olivia doesn’t have any friends? How is that fair to me? Why aren’t I allowed to be happy even if Olivia isn’t?
That night was very boring. I watched a movie, though i don’t recall which one it was. I went online, but some people were seeing Across the Universe, and others were hanging out somewhere else. I felt abandoned, even though I know that I had no right to.
There is just so much that I am angry about. I’m angry that I’m here, I’m angry that Olivia doesn’t have friends, I’m angry that my parents asked me about kids smoking and drinking here (which means that they don’t trust me). The list goes on but I won’t bore you with all of it.
A Fine Frenzy wrote this song, it’s called “Almost Lover.” It came too late for that whole Gavin thing, but I like to listen to it anyway.
I wish I knew who I am. Who I want to be. I wish I knew what was going to happen to me. I wish the world was not full of surprises.
September 8, 2007
Navibo
I haven’t written in a while, what with school starting and all. I’m okay. I have at least one person to talk to in every class, so that’s good. The only thing is that none of the people I talk to know each other. So I don’t really have a group I guess. I don’t know what to do about that. I’m hoping that eventually someone will invite me somewhere and that will kind of settle where I’ll fit in. I’d like to have a good friend here. I only need one or two.
Now that school has started for those in Jersey, I feel like it’s more urgent that I find a friend here. I can’t keep depending on people in New Jersey to be my friends. No, that’s not what I mean. What I mean is, I don’t want to be a burden to them. And I feel like I’m intruding on their lives and I don’t have a right to. Even though I want to still be part of their lives, and I want them to keep in touch with me. Because I love them. But I also know that I need to move on… eventually.
My parents don’t really get it. At least once a week my dad comes into my room and reminds me that I need try to make friends… as if I’ve been trying not to. And then my mom feels that it’s necessary to tell me of all the times she’s been unhappy and why my dad is a horrible husband. I try to kindly let her know that I don’t give a fuck, but she usually doesn’t take it very well. Basically my life is very stressful at the moment. So stressful, in fact, that I now have a fucking heart murmur. It should go away eventually, but for the moment it’s not very comfortable.
I wonder what my life will be like by this time next year. Will I have friends? Will I have passed my AP Exams? Haha. I cannot wait until December, and be with people who actually care about me. It seems so far away though. It is really far away. And I’m sort of afraid of my friends changing and growing without me. That they will be different when I go visit them but that I will be the same. I don’t know if I’ll have many chances to grow. I don’t know if being here will change me for the better or not at all.
August 11, 2007
France
Once upon a time, in the area called Provence in France, there lived a handsome prince. The time came when the prince needed a wife, and he arranged for all the eligible and beautiful women of Provence to come to his palace so he could choose a bride. One of the women stood out. She had long auburn hair and sparkling blue eyes, and she already walked and spoke like a queen. The prince fell in love with her, and demanded that she be his bride.
The girl came from a small village called Rousselin which was at the top of a mountain that overlooked a valley. The houses were made out of the clay and dirt that the village was built on, and the villagers were proud that they had used their resources wisely.
The prince sent the girl back to her village to tell her parents that she was to be the new princess of Provence. The villagers crowded to meet her, and they were shocked at how her face was covered with tears at what should have been a triumphant return. The girl stumbled into the crowd and was clasped in the arms of her lover, a poor village man who could never provide for her the way a prince could. She loved him, but both knew that they could not disobey the prince.
The prince could not bear to be away from the girl for more than a few days, so he decided to stop by her home to surprise her. He did not expect to see the girl with her village man embracing at their final goodbye. The prince went mad with jealousy. He grabbed the girl by her long hair and locked her in her room, then went after the villager.
That night, he stayed at the girl’s home and had his chefs prepare a special dinner. He watched as the girl ate her dish and then calmly informed her that she had just eaten her lovers’ heart, which he had carved out himself while it was still beating. The girl was so distressed that she ran from the house and threw herself over the cliff. When her blood was spilled on the valley floor below, the clay from her town turned 16 shades of red. To this day, that is why Rousselin is the only village in France with homes made of such red clay.
Day 1 in Paris: Notre Dame, walking around the Latin Quarter (best part, and near our hotel), introduced to cafe creme at a very Parisian cafe, and walked along the Siene
Day 2 in Paris: The Louvre, the Arc de Trimumph, promenade down the Champs Elysses, Eiffel Tower (my legs were killing me, you have no idea haha)
Day 3 in Paris: Musee D’Orsay, Luxembourg Gardens, Musee National (which includes the Thinker and Gates of Hell), promenade on Mouffard
Provence: went to many small towns that all looked the same (including Rousselin), hung out with the cousins, had a whole lot of wine/champagne.
[My mother is depressed. It became quite obvious on this trip. However, she refuses to seek help because that would mean that she isn’t perfect if she’s depressed. And we can’t have that, now can we. She has decided that the source of her unhappiness is my father, even though she just makes stuff up so she can be miserable. They’re not getting divorced, but I honestly wouldn’t really care if they did. Once Emily leaves for China, my mom is going to go to California. I don’t know how long she’ll be there… hopefully she will get dropped off at the airport instead of driving there herself so that I’ll have a car to drive. Cheers.]
July 29, 2007
Dreams
I can’t fall asleep at night. Well, that’s not entirely true… I can fall asleep, it just takes me a really long time, and I seem to be unable to sleep for more than two hours straight. The thing is, when I finally do sleep, I have dreams. And in the dreams I am always so happy.
Last night, I dreamed that it was Jenna’s Sweet 16 again. And everyone was there, even people who weren’t at the actual event. And I talked with Jenna, and Halli, and Allie, and Dana, and Zoe, and Rita, and Alyssa, and Ashley, and Claire. And even in the dream I wasn’t sure what we were talking about, but it was light-hearted and everyone was laughing. I had a Shirley Temple with two (yes, two) cherries.
And then my mom knocked on my door and told me to get up. I hate that… the waking up. I think that that’s why I can’t fall asleep anymore. I’m scared of being happier in dreams than in reality.
[A few days ago I had a really fab dream. See, me and Gavin went on a date. In Zoe’s livingroom. With Bob Saget. It’s only looking back at it that it was a fab dream, because at the time i was just super embarrassed. I wouldn’t let Gavin hold my hand or kiss me because Bob Saget was there, giving us the thumbs up. Then we ran from Zoe’s house to Shaiman’s (which happened to be right around the corner) in the rain, and Saget was there too! Still giving us the thumbs up and nodding in his bright red sweater vest. And I felt so guilty because I was with Gavin and not at home studying like the girls in Full House. Also all the thumbs up confused me. Just a bit of humor in my otherwise miserable rant. Cheers]
In two days I’m off to France with the family. If I’d had my way I would have spent the last two weeks in New Jersey and met up with my family at Newark Airport. But the parental units said that I was needed in Georgia. Yeah. For all the “work” I’ve been doing. Which is nothing. Except schoolwork, which I’m procrastinating like whoa anyway. The only thing I’m doing here is getting fat because meals are the only thing I have to look forward to.
I don’t want to go to France. Can you believe that? I’ve been yearning to go to France since I was ten… and now I am not excited at all. At all. I wish I was with other people. Not my dad, mom, and sisters. God, I can’t stand them. Everything they do is annoying. Right now I can hear my older sister whining about how “Aria (that’s our cat) is going to be soooo unhappy when we’re gone! They’ll be so lonely at a kennel!!” Who the fuck cares if the fucking cat is “unhappy” for 10 days???
Nobody here seems to really get that I’m “unhappy” here. In my family, we choose to ignore unpleasant feelings and if there must be some sort of confrontation, we pretend that it didn’t happen the next day. So I’m not really allowed to be less than perfectly content.
They don’t know that I wish, because to them wishing is not practical. But I wish all the time, and I wish so many things. I wish that the dream I had two nights ago was real. In that dream I was riding in Gavin’s car with Rita and Shaiman, and Halli was there too, but I don’t remember where she was sitting. But in the dream… I hadn’t moved to Georgia at all. I wasn’t even going to move (in the dream when I was at Jenna’s I was going to move in two days). And the windows were down and the music was blasting and the wind was whipping my hair back away from my face. And I felt beautiful.
I wish.
I wish.
[P.S.] 